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Short Puns
Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant burglar that escaped from jail?
The headlines in the newspaper read "Small Medium at Large"
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She had her baby in the spring.
Q. What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A. A receding hareline.
There were two ships. One had red paint. One had blue paint. They collided.
At last report, the survivors were marooned!
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's Fifth.
Tibetian housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my baking yak!"
Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
Two peanuts were walking in Central Park, one was assaulted.
As the great Jedi English teacher was quoted in saying, "metaphors be with you."
If I hated my house and fell in love with my office building, would that be an edifice complex?
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!
She was only the moonshiners daughter, but I loved her still!
A three legged dog walked into the bar and said, "I'm looking for the man who
shot my paw!"
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Long Puns
The Wicked Witch of England
Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population,
who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave
them a potion that would turn the witch into a statue.
The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food. When she found out
about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the potion worked as
expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified
witch in a park as a public example.
Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a position that made
her a perfect sundial, and started using her to tell the time of day. The custom grew and
even today, people often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.
Penny Goes on a Cruise
Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise
around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had
enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way... The cruise
started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but
just danced the night away.
One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe
broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny
was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny.
Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.
Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had
written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace
mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned
A Tycoon and his Pets
A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it into his head to collect really strange and
exotic pets. One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an exotic pet shop and said to the
salesman , "Show me the most unusual pet you have in stock!"
The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like
ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to
genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these little guys.
They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating
diseases, they will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash
to buy the dolphins and have a suitable home for them installed in his backyard.
The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them, and they frolicked about in their tank
happily for nearly fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived.
The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his
will. But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic. Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told
him that alas, his precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for them had to be
derived from the feathers of the blue savannah parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of Africa.
The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep
and a guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these parrots. They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the
jeep and trudged into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After about six hours of this, they had bagged
two of the parrots, and the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough antibiotic for his pets. So he
trudges back out towa rd the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the
path between him and the jeep. He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving him
literally holding the bag, and the grow th is too thick on either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So
he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off
for the airport.
Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a
policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - "
The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a
vaccine for my dolphins so they don't die!"
"Well, sir," the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over
the stately lion for immortal porpoises."
Caesar the Bull
A Wyoming rancher had a bull named Caesar who was getting old.so he decided to sell him on the auction market. The
only problem was that the nearest railroad was miles away and across across a river that hadn't yet been bridged.
Since Caesar had grown somewhat crotchety in his old age the rancher organized a crew of three men who he sent off
with his ranch foreman to lead Caesar to the railroad line. After two days of travel Caesar and the crew arrived at the
river near the market town. The tired crew members suggested to their foreman that they be allowed to relax and fish
awhile before catching the ferryboat.
"What shall we do with Caesar while you fish?, asked the foreman.
The men replied, "Oh, he can just graze on this lush grass along the river."
After a long period of thought the foreman decreed,
"WE CAME TO FERRY CAESAR, NOT TO GRAZE HIM!"
The Chair tribe
There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they
always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home,
chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the
grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.
One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the
throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the
throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.
The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
The Dog and His Son
One day a poppa dog had the job of looking after his young puppy while mommy went off shopping. He had his heart
set on going to the dog show that day so asked his young son if he would like to go along. Of course that sounded
exciting to the little puppy so he agreed.
While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of
show'. On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The
puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers.
When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar.
The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it."
When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have young man?"
The puppy replied, "I'LL HAVE PAP'S BLUE RIBBON, PLEASE!"
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