humor

A Little Musician Humor

As members of a praise band I think it is important not to take ourselves too seriously. In that light I offer this collection of musician humor that I have collected from all over the place. None of these are meant to offend. I hope you enjoy them. If you have a favorite clean musician joke that you didn't see here send it and I may add it to this page.

Accordion & Bagpipe jokes...

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: An accordion hitting bagpipes in a dumpster.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
A: No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Harmonica jokes...

Q: Why does a dog howl when a harmonica player plays?
A: He's trying to show him how the song goes.

Q: What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't blow all over a singer's lines?
A: Deceased.

Q: What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
A: Dearly departed.

Vocalist jokes...

Q: Why are concert intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you won't need to retrain the singers.

Q: How do you know when there's a female vocalist at the door?
A:; She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: How do you know when there's a male vocalist knocking at your front door?
A: You open the door and he still doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: How many girl singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but she holds on to the bulb and waits for the whole world to revolve around her.

Guitar jokes...

Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: Why are so many guitarists' jokes one-liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q: What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who has told too many drummer jokes.

Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise..."

Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot One.

Q: Why do guitar players leave their capos on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces!

Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither have I.

Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.

Q: What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A: Who cares - neither one's a guitar!

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q: What is a "nerd"?
A: Someone who owns a Classical Guitar

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn't.

Q: What are the two most frequent guitarist lies?
A: 1. I am not too loud! 2. I already turned it down!

Dad, when I grow up I want to be a guitar player.
Look son, you can't do both.

Q: Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down, they're all very nice people!

Q: What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A: Laughing at 'em.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
A: Evidently all of them.

Q: How can you tell if there is a guitarist at the door?
A: He knocks out of time, and comes in too early.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just steal somebody else's light!

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb, and four to say, "I could have done better than that"

Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.

Q: How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.

Q: How many blues guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't worry about the change they'll improvise!

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a fluorescent tube?
A: Three, one to change it and the other two to tell him how much better incandescent bulbs are.

Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
A: Five, one to actually do it and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Bass jokes...

Q: How do you confuse a bassist?
A: Put one of his strings out of tune, but don't tell him which one!

Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the guitarist has to show him first

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six, one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Five. One. Five.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, The Lead player can do it with his teeth.

Johnny comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mommy, I learned the alphabet today! The rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's mom say's "Very good son, that's because you're a bass player."
Johnny comes home the next day and screams, "Mommy, Mommy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past 60, but I made it all the way to 100!" And his mom say's, "Excellent. That's because you're a bass player."
The next day, Johnny comes home and say's, "Mommy, the teacher measured everyone's height in class today, and I was taller than everyone. Is that because I'm a bass player?" His mom shakes her head and say's, "No, honey, that's because you're twenty-six."

Drummer jokes

Q: Why do drummers like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.

Q: Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A: It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Q: What's the definition of a bass player?
A: Halfway between a drummer and a musician.

Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower.

Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
A: The knocking gets faster, and faster.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Two girls are walking along when they hear...
"Psst! Down here!"
They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.
The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!"
The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.
The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

Assorted musician jokes...

Q: What is the difference between "musician" and "mutual fund"?
A: A mutual fund will eventually mature and began earning money.

Q: What is the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a folksinger?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Q: How does a blues band end up with a million dollars?
A: Start with $2 million.

You have probably heard that most blues songs begin with the line
Woke up this mornin'...
This is to differentiate hard working blues musicians from most other musicians who sleep past noon.

Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards?
A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Links to some of my articles:

Praise Band A little bit about how we got started.

Our Continuing Journey latest updates.

Introducing praise music in an established church This has become more of a history lesson of our struggle and our mistakes

Blended Services Do Work! The experts were wrong - We finally figured out how to make it work!

Come Let Us Worship And Bow Down The problem of Idol worship in the church

Hymns Versus Praise Songs A humorous look

A Little Musician Humor Lighten up!

Guitars! Jesus wants me to have a new guitar?

Terrorism In The Church Take a stand against spiritual abuse.

Cool Links Some helpful resources

Guest Article:

Blended Worship - Good for the Body A wondeful article by Pastor of Music Ron Man