A person wanted to buy a talking parrot. At the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who could already speak.
"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage.
The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." The toys were purchased.
The next day the parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking. "I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased & yet another day went by.
The owner went back to the store with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly.
The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened. "Still no luck?" asked the store owner.
"No. Nothing said yet," answered the bird's owner.
"Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."
"What?!? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.
"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror & the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. When the pet store owner opened the store the next day he found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!
"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"
"Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?"
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"
The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"
To which the first replied, "I just bit my tongue."
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never---quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
A dog meets another dog and asks, "How ya doing?"
The other dog replies, "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."
The first dog suggests that he go to a psychiatrist.
The other dog answers, "You know I'm not allowed on the couch."
Veterinarian examining cat to cat's owner: "I'm afraid we'll have to keep him overnight. Are you going to need a loaner?"
How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird?
Tame way.
||
My Domain || Fantasy View || Laugh Riot ||
|
|
|||
|
|
This Site and all its contents © 1997 by
Ron Combs
|
Updated: Monday may 5 1998 |
