Miscellaneous

	What Am I?	Insurance
	Turkey	The Test
	Job Interview	Differences

What Am I?

This is a useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The function of which is enjoyed by both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of hairy little things at one end and a hole at the other.

In use it is inserted, almost willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshly, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surface of the opening and some from the glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing fluids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready of yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching is bristling climax twice or even three times daily, but often much less.

What am I ?

Answer: A Tooth Brush !

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Insurance
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serves to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have a accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

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Turkey

Two men were painting a barn, one on a ladder and the other on the ground.
"Quack, quack, gobble, gobble!" yelled the one on the ladder as he spilled a can of paint.
"What does that mean?" asked the other, now drenched with paint.
"Duck, turkey!" he replied.

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The Test

Here is a little test you might like to take.

****************** Questions ****************
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?

****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (one is a nickel, the other is not)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark, not Moses.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.

****************** Scoring ****************
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot

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Job Interview

While interviewing a young woman for a position with our auto leasing agency, I asked her a somewhat philosophical question to gain insight to her personality.

"If you could spend an evening conversing with any person, living or dead, whom would you choose?"

"The living one!" she replied enthusiastically.

[ Courtesy: readers digest]

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Differences

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

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Updated: Thursday,
September 18, 1997
9:56:17 AM