Actual statements appearing in various church bulletins
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1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in both the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an Ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr. Johnson will sing "put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the little mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.
5. This Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
6. The service will close with "little drops of water." One of the ladies will quietly start and the others will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and can be seen in the church basement on Sunday night
9. a bean supper will be held on Saturday night. Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Beltzer, the sin of Rev. And Mrs. Belzer.
11. Tonight's sermon. What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
12. For those of you who have children and don't know it we have a nursery downstairs.
13. Remember the many who are sick of our church and community.
14. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow..
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door.
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
Question: Why did the Israelites wander 40 years in the desert?
Answer: Even then the men would not stop and ask for directions.
This priest, after having looked for parking space in vain, parks his car in an illegal parking space. He then leaves a note on the window which reads, "Traffic officer, I have gone around this block about ten times and I couldn't find parking space. That's why I parked here. Forgive us our trespasses."
Later when he gets back to his car, he finds he has been given a ticket, accompanied by the note, "I have gone around this block for about ten years and I have given tickets to traffic offenders without exception. Lead us not into temptation."
One sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."
"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either commin' or goin'!"
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This Site and all its contents © 1997 by
Ron Combs
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Updated Tuesday May 5 1998 |
